Thursday, March 28, 2024

thirty-five.

I am 35 grateful years old today.

In January, I decided I was going to hike Table Rock Trail by myself on my birthday this year. I have hiked this trail many, many times in my lifetime, and it remains my favorite. It is beautiful, mighty, humbling, requires so much strength, leaves you breathless, and more.



Sadly, I didn’t get to do that today.


Instead, I am in bed recovering from an emergency appendectomy that resulted in complications, a 3-night hospital stay, holes all over my abdomen, new kinds of pain I haven’t felt before, and a 2-4 week recovery before life can resume as “normal.”



I wanted to climb a mountain for my birthday. But what I really wanted to do was choose the mountain I climbed for once. To choose how I suffered for just this one day.


I know many people think I’ve gone off the deep end in recent years with the things I have written and shared, and my response is two-fold and quite simple. First, “How could I not after all the heartache I have known?” And second, “Why is that such a bad thing?”


My 35th birthday aligning with Maundy Thursday this year feels quite appropriate. I used to try so hard to be “good;” perfection has never tempted me so much, but being a (the?) “good girl” has for as long as I can remember. When I think of Christ Himself kneeling down to wash the feet of those who overestimated their love for Him and underestimated His love for them, I can easily see myself among the faces of those who tried so hard to be “good” on their own, so eager to impress their master and friend, so desperate to live up to the call placed on their lives.


My 35th birthday aligning with Maundy Thursday feels quite holy, too, because Christ understands my sorrows and my pains in a way that no one else does (or even could, really), and He has never once silenced my tears, mocked my fears, or made light of the heaviness that I carry. Never once. Even when I am least deserving of love, He still washes my feet and offers me the most sacred communion: Himself.


When I was in the hospital, several of the nurses of asked a few different variations of this question: “Do you always smile when you are in pain?”



I’ve tried not to in recent years, to tell you the truth. I really, really have. My smile has changed through all of the trials I’ve walked, but it seems that smiling simply suits me, maybe that I was genuinely made to smile. A big thing that is different about my smile these days, though, is that I no longer use it as a tool of deception or distraction. I never wanted to lose my smile; I just hated how I used and abused it for so long, how I was known and loved for so long because how well I hid the darkest, saddest parts of me.


Pain has both hurt me and healed me. It has turned my smile true, real, honest along the way, too.


I used to smile to keep people away, to keep people from knowing the truth.


Now I smile bearing the spirit of true hospitality, especially to those who may feel like who I used to; sometimes a simple smile can be the thing that breaks through the cracks and lets the light in.


I am 35 grateful years old today.


I have climbed a lot of mountains in my rather short lifetime, and I know that there will be more to climb. I’ll climb as many as I can for as long as I can though, and I’ll carry wisdom, not resentment, from all the ones that have come before.


Mountains aren’t always fun to hike or live through in the moment, but they can work wonders on (and in) the heart in the long run.



Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. “Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy. “Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God. “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God.”

Matthew‬ ‭5‬:‭3‬-‭9‬ 

Saturday, March 2, 2024

our Pops.

It’s hard to describe how it feels to wake up in a world without Troy. It feels unsteady. It feels crushing and devastating. It feels wrong and unfair.

It feels gray.


I was fourteen years old when I met him for the first time. I really (really) liked his son, and I really (really) feared his parents. I’m not sure why I was intimidated, other than the obvious (I wanted them to like me), but it probably had something to do with how close his family seemed. There was something different about TJ (in a good way), and I suspected that his mom and dad and sisters were the reason.

I was right.


And since then, they have been my family. Gradually, a little more so with the passing of time, but mine all the same. Angie has loved me as a daughter since that first year…

And Troy did, too.


How do you reconcile your past memories with your current heartache?

How do you move forward when your mind is playing reruns of days gone by on a loop?

How do you make peace with never hearing the voice or feeling the presence of someone who commanded every room ever again?

How do you grieve well for yourself when you feel the searing pain radiate off of your husband and kids even from the other side of the house?

Those are only a sample of the questions I’m wrestling with in the early days, early hours of this loss.


The answers will reveal themselves in time, I know. And I don’t need to be told all the things that people compulsively tell you when you’re sad. But the weight of life starting over without someone you’ve loved for so long is heavy.

And I am not afraid to give myself over to it.


Troy wasn’t my dad.

He was a dad to me, though.

He made space for me, sacrificed for me, trusted me in a unique way, laughed with me, moved through hard seasons with me, argued with me, loved me.


If you have known this kind of love, I don’t have to tell you that a memory could never be enough. There is no replacement for a life you treasured, and there is no bandaid big enough for a blow like this. My heart already aches for every birthday, every baseball and football game, every dance recital, every milestone, everything that we won’t look up to see him at.

He was just always there. He was always showing up even when he ran on fumes and had a million other things that he could’ve been doing. And it feels impossible to accept that he won’t be anymore.


But I feel bone-deep grateful for every moment I lingered in,

every laugh line I memorized,

every opportunity I took to hug him and feel his warmth,

every trip I was invited along for,

every silent conversation we shared,

every day I got to be under his wide, strong covering.


It’s hard to describe how it feels to wake up in a world without Troy. It feels unsteady. It feels crushing and devastating. It feels wrong and unfair.

It feels gray.

Even the sky agreed on that first day without him.


"I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone."

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.

And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"

And that is dying..."

Gone From My Sight
by Henry Van Dyke

Wednesday, February 7, 2024

travel on points // 2023.

 Last year was our third year of traveling on points and miles, and I'm genuinely not sure that we'll ever travel like that again for the rest of our lives. Yes, it was THAT good! In 2021, our grand total amount saved towards travel was $3,923.69. In 2022, we tripled that for a grand total savings of $14,972.30.


And in 2023, our shocking grand total was...

$45,123.57


Honestly, that number still feels quite shocking even though I've been tracking and anticipating it for a year. Never in a million years did I think that kind of travel would be possible for us, but here we are. Another crazy thing is that more than half of that huge number was redeemed on on (incredibly amazing and unforgettable) trip. Any guesses which one? Hint hint: it's pictured above. ;)


In addition to 2023 having been a record-breaking year in terms of redeeming travel rewards, it was also a year of our highest travel budget to-date, as well. We didn't set out to spend as much as we did, but we let ourselves enjoy a few more trips to ease the ache we felt during a hard year. We, also, traveled to be there for friends and family out of town more than we ever have before, and that just felt right. We spent a total of 52 nights in hotels last year (51 in Hyatts and 1 in Marriotts), and we have almost that many booked already for 2024 (although we are increasingly holding all things loosely in life in general). This kind of travel may not always be sustainable for us, but we intend to enjoy it for as long as we are able while still prioritizing other things we deem financially important.


So, where did travel rewards help us explore in 2023?

Staycations
Miami, FL
Key West, FL
Fredericksburg, VA
Nashville, TN (x2)
Savannah, GA
Oahu, HI
Kauai, HI
Maui, HI
Port Canaveral, FL
Charlotte, NC
Wild Dunes, SC
Beaver Creek, CO
Orlando, FL


Here is a breakdown of how we many nights & flights we saved on each of these trip:

Staycations in downtown Greenville, SC
For fun, as well as to earn nights towards re-earning Globalist status with Hyatt for 2024
// 17 nights in hotels 
//



Miami, FL
A fun and timely trip for Spring Break 2023!
// 5 nights in hotels //
// 4 roundtrip flights //


Key West, FL
A day trip during Spring Break 2023
// 0 nights, just a full-day roadtrip from Miami //
//1-day car rental //



Fredericksburg, VA
A weekend trip to celebrate two of our favorite people getting married!
// 2 nights in hotels //



Nashville, TN
Visiting dear friends on two different occasions facing unthinkably heartbreaking circumstances
// 6 nights in hotels //


Savannah, GA
To explore this charming city for the first time & to experience a Savannah Bananas baseball game!
// 2 nights in hotels //


Hawaii
A two-week trip of a lifetime! We split our time between the islands of Oahu, Kauai, and Maui. It was a dream!
// 13 nights in hotels //
// 4 flights total for 4 people //


Port Canaveral, FL
We stayed here the night before we set sail on a week-long Caribbean cruise with TJ's family. <3
// 1 night in a hotel //



Charlotte, NC
I got to treat a friend to an overnight stay after going to the Phil Wickham & Brandon Lake concert. This is one of my favorite uses of points!
// 1 night in a hotel //



Wild Dunes, SC
A spontaneous trip to the coast because we really, really needed the ocean!
// 1 night in a hotel //



Beaver Creek, CO
A bucket list trip to see real snow and experience our first ski village. It was stunning & unforgettable!
// 4 nights in a hotel //
// 4 roundtrip flights //


Orlando, FL
We surprised the kiddos with a trip to Disney World for Christmas!
// 6 nights in a hotel //



That's all for 2023!

We made even more travel memories than is shown here, but these are highlighted because we primarily used points and miles to make these trips a reality. We spent more on travel in 2023 than we ever have before, and it was significantly less than we would have spent without points and miles. There is absolutely no way that we would have been able to afford this kind of travel without travel rewards. Our total out of pocket costs for the actual flights, rental cars, and hotel stays was only $300, which really is insane. And POSSIBLE! Our 2024 travel plans aren't quite as extravagant as last year was, but we still have plans to visit several bucket list places and make more incredible memories.

We may not always travel like this. Our bodies are slowly failing us, our income is constantly ebbing and flowing, our family dynamics are changing, travel rewards are changing every day, etc. So, our motto is simple: we will do this as often as we can for as long as we can.

Here's to living while we are living.

Because time is the most sacred currency of all.

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